I hardly ever have bad days anymore. I mean, like, 99% of my days are good days.
This day was different. This day was a bad day.
And by ‘bad day’ I don’t mean that I couldn’t find a parking spot and I stained my favorite jeans and then my computer died. That’s a sucky day, for sure.
A bad day, by my definition, is a day that I lose my Self completely.
Because when I lose my Self and I have a ‘bad day’, I go somewhere dark and suffocating. I go to a state of being that is a grating form of numbness that hurts my heart more than almost anything I can bear.
It was just a little thing that triggered me: a moved deadline. This totally normal thing that happens in business all the time completely shot me out of Self, and the next thing I know, I’m immobile on the couch, watching the light hit the colorful threads and tracing stitching patterns of the quilt with my fingers. Over and over I trace and I cry.
This one was bad.
I think the last time I had a trigger this bad was almost a year ago, February. Way back when, I used to have something like this once or twice a week, with hardly a breath between to recover. So, I’m improving… substantially.
This small and insignificant shift in a deadline happened and I lost it because, quite suddenly, I realized I was putting a whole lot of my eggs into this one basket, and underneath it all, I was looking for a savior. Something I’ve done on and off for a majority of my adult life.
Looking for someone or something to come along and rescue me from whatever perceived peril I am experiencing. This part isn’t so bad.
Where it gets bad is that it triggers a memory for me of a sunny afternoon and a knife in my hands. A memory where I wanted to die because I couldn’t bear to live through another bout of violence in my home, where I didn’t think I could make it through one more barrage of being berated like a dog, or one more terrifying horror in the night.
It was a moment where I realized that no one was coming to save me. Suicide, or at least seriously injuring myself, seemed to me to be the only option.
I was eight, maybe nine at the time, and I’d already given up. No one was coming. No one ever did.
It is a terribly sad place to be triggered to, a desperate hopelessness and nothing to stave off the pain except some kind of repetitive obsession, like tracing threaded patterns in the sun.
I Don’t Want You to Know
I become completely incapacitated when the triggers are bad, like this one. This is something I don’t like people to know, something I don’t want people to know, because I have immense self judgment about my catatonic episodes (the self judgment comes after, by the way, to help numb out the sadness of the trigger – just a valuable tid-bit for anyone else out there with a critical voice).
But something so helpful came out of the experience, I had to share.
You see, there is an issue with having and creating meaning in our culture of so much doing. What I came to realize (after I got off the couch, took a long muddy trail run to purge out the anger, soaked in the tub, and recovered fully) was that the problem wasn’t the process of the project I was doing, or even the deadline shifting.
The problem was that I was aligned with a co-dependent and toxic version of what I really wanted; I hadn’t aligned with my deepest and truest Self.
And for me, personally, I didn’t align with and honor my pain. I think of my pain (my history) as a friend, as a constant companion. Not in the victim sense of it rules over me, but in the partnership sense of I honor that terrible things happened to me and there are certain things I need in my life in order to shine at my brightest.
There are things we all need in order to be our biggest and best version of who we are, and there should be no doubt in our minds about giving them to ourselves.
- We have to align with who we really are if we are to give any meaning at all to our lives.
- We have to align with what stirs our blood if we are to create anything worthwhile.
- We have to align with something deeper and greater than ourselves if we are to ever feel connection beyond our wildest imaginings.
So, how do you comprehend this mystical alignment? On the road to recovery after my episode, I was fortunate enough to be taught a short cut by a very special client of mine. This week’s video takes you through it.
Watch it now, and I hope you enjoy!
After you’ve watched the video, leave a comment telling us what is the essence of your alignment. How will you know if something is aligned with your deeper Self or not? What are the qualities you will be looking for? (Not sure what this means? Watch the video, silly!)
And remember, gentlemen, life is too damn short to not be, do, and love exactly as you want.